Why fictional characters are just that
by KinkyEyepatchShit
Summary: The reason fictional characters are fictional. that would mean countless men violated by rabid fangirls. This is just a slight taste of that. No hot characters were raped in the making of this fic. Totally crack. Read and review plz. No flamers.


Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII characters or anything.

Now the ploy bunny influenced this. And the talk of rabid fangirls getting their wishes. This is all because me and my friend Sarah were talking about all this and I was like, I should write a fic, and she was like, well ok. And we basically did most of the dialog on im. Just kno that this is strictly for some laughs, and a bit of fear. This is to make known the calamity that would befall mankind if these characters were real and fangirls were allowed to do whatever.

Sarah:**_ no hot male FF7 characters were raped in the making of this fic... just groped. coughLizcough_**

Liz: So? They're hot. And I AM the author. I can do whatever.

Sarah: Right. And since you think that way, im here to make sure no one gets too hurt.

Liz: grumbles Fine.

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Not every teenaged girl, let alone a crazy rabid fangirl bent on molesting her chosen fictional characters can say she has met her obsessions in person. And did not rape them.

Well. I can. And here I am now, sitting in my living room, wondering how this whole thing started as I watch Reno of the Turks play poker with Rude , Tsung, Vincent and Cloud, while Elena and my good friend Sarah glare at each other.

You're probably wondering where am I?

I'm on the other side of Reno, slowly moving my hand up his pantleg

Sarah looks away for a moment and glares at me, "Liz!"

I look up at her and grin, "Yeah?" I ask innocently. She knows that look.

Reno looks a little nervous as he glances down at his cards, then over at me.

"I know what you're up to Liz. Quit it," commands Sarah.

I sigh, defeated and move away, "Fine." I glance at the vampire to my left, "Got a good hand Vinnie?" I ask sweetly.

He grunts and turns his crimson eyes to me, "Don't call me that," he says. I frown, "Call you what Vinnie?"

He narrows those eyes at me. "Don't torture the vampire Lizzie. He might try to bite you," says Reno. He is so weird. One minute he's afraid I'm gonna drag him to the corner and rape him (I totally would not. I'd at least find a bed XD), and the next minute he's acting flirty. And people say I'm bipolar.

"Aww, I'm glad to know you're concerned about my well-being," I say, ignoring a muttering Vincent, "I am not a Vampire."

Reno frowns, and then glances at Tsung, trying to figure out if he's winning, "I'm not. I just don't want Valentine here to get a stomach ache over you," he replies.

I glare at him, then huff, crossing my arms over my chest, "Bastard," I mutter, "Now see who's gonna get a cookie. Not you."

Cloud looks up from his cards as well, his mako blue eyes shining with something….probably just the emo-ness creeping out, "Cookies?" he says softly.

Sarah sighs, "Yes Cloud-o. Cookies. You want one?" she asks.

The man blinks, "Cloud-o?" he mutters "Why does everyone keep calling me that?" he asks.

I shake my head and return to Reno watching, "You'll figure it out eventually emo-boy," I reply.

Sarah frowns as she returns from the kitchen, a chocolate chip cookie in hand, "Liz," she says in a warning tone, "be nice." She hands the cookie to the big emo and he takes a bite, the emotion on his face registering as slightly happy.

I huff again, "I am nice. What about you? You haven't even offered Elena something to eat or drink, besides some poison or something."

Rude grunts and sets his cards face up on the table, "I win."

The other men groan and throw down their cards in defeat. "Hmm. Cueball actually won," I comment. He glances at me; at least I think he does, who can tell with those damn sunglasses of his?

Sarah sighs again, "Elena, would you like something to drink? Like a soda? Or something to eat?" she asks politely.

The blond woman snorts and brushes a strand of stringy blond hair behind her eat, "No thanks. It might be poisoned," he snaps.

Sarah stares at her, then replies, "I wouldn't waste poison on the likes of you. I'd take care of you on my own," I can tell she's about ready to take out the daggers she has hidden in her clothes.

Elena glares at her, and the two stare each other down for a few minutes.

Eventually, I get bored and turn the TV on, flipping it to ER. Reno finally gives up on cards and scoots closer to the TV, "Oooo, what's this?" he asks, almost child-like.

I glance at him, and then back at the TV, "It's ER. A show about doctors in the emergency and all the blood and gore and crap they have to see everyday," I explain.

Cloud glances uneasily between the two blond women, "Uh, girls why don't you" the poor emo never got the chance to continue,

"SHUT UP CLOUD!" they both snap in unison. The former savior of the world just stares wide eyed at the two, then whimpers.

"Nice job Sarah, you got emo boy even more emo," I say sarcastically, taking my eyes off the tv for a moment.

She sighs, "I'm sorry Cloud. I didn't mean it."

He sniffles, and then nods. God, it's hard to believe this little wuss, who saved the world from Sephiroth is afraid of a five foot something girl.

I decide to put my two cents in, "Oh Sarah, don't tell me you've given up on Tsung and you're now going after his royal Emo-ness?"

She shoots me a glare, "Liz, shut up."

Vincent abruptly stands and takes out his gun, shooting the hell out of the playing cards on the table.

Once he felt better, he sat back down as if nothing had happened, and glances at the rest of us, who just stared at him.

"You've paying for that table, Vamp boy," I say, pointing to the various bullet holes on the surface.

"So how exactly did we get here?" Rude asks, adjusting his glasses. You look like a bloody fool with glasses on inside Cueball.

Sarah glances at me, "Uhm….Well.."

I butt in, "Well we were talking about the molestation of hot anime/manga/movie/FF guys and rabid fangirls," as soon as I had finished that sentence; everyone was staring at me in shock, but mostly fear.

Sarah pipes up, trying to make things sound a little less….frightening, "She started it."

Oh yeah. Blame me, "So?" I reply, my eyebrow raised at her.

She shrugs, "I don't know. I thought it'd make me look better."

Reno stares fearfully at us, "You're not gonna rape us, are you?" he asks. Aw, isn't he just adorable? Totally molestable.

Sarah wrinkles her nose in distaste, "Rape you? EWW!" she exclaims. I glance at her, "What? He's ugly," she says.

I glare at her, making a mental note to suffocate her with my brothers dirty gym socks later, "No sweetheart, we're not gonna rape you," I say to Reno.

The other men relax visibly. "I need my handcuffs and other equally kinky toys," I continue.

"LIZ!" says Sarah, glaring at me disapprovingly. I cackle evilly as the hot men stare and back away slowly.

Liz walks up to me and says quietly so only I hear, "You'd better quit it."

I sigh, and then grin, a back up plan in mind. I turn back towards Reno, "So who's first?" I say.

Their eyes widen and they stare in fear. Even Vincent looks a little wary of us. Most likely me.

I giggle, "Don't worry, I'm just kidding." For now. Mwahahahaha. Ahem. Back to the situation at hand.

Sarah stares at Rude, as if seeing him for the first time, "Wait a minute…Rude when did you get here?" she asks. I shake my head. I love her to death, but sometimes. But enough of that.

"I've been here the entire time," replies Rude.

"Yeah so have I, and you are NOT gonna rape Tsung-san!" barks the little harpy, I mean Elena. God how can we NOT notice your foul stench and annoyingness?

"Reno, I could care less about," continues the harpy.

Reno narrows his eyes at her, and even Rude glances her way, "Well thanks a lot!" he says.

Sarah glares at the harpy; I could tell that she was itching to draw her daggers.

I sigh and roll my eyes, "Now who needs to behave?" is say, "Play nice with little miss can't-get-a-man-even-if-she-had-melon-boobies-like-Tifa."

The harpy turns her ugly face towards me, god I so do not need that to haunt my nightmares. I already have Freddy and the Burger King guy.

"What was that?" she says.

I smirk, "You heard me, unless you're hard of hearing. Now you'd better watch your mouth or you're gonna get hurt. And not by me," I say.

Elena glares at me, and then back at Sarah, "I'm not afraid of you two pushovers. I can take you on."

Tsung looks up from the TV, oblivious to the fight over him until now, "What's going on here?" he asks, trying to sound all important.

Reno grins, and munches on some popcorn. Where the HELL did he get that from?

"A cat fight," he says, then offers some of the snack to his boss, "Want some? This might be awhile. And clothes might start coming off in the fray."

I glare at him, sure I would probably be thrilled by this, but I don't really wanna start losing my clothes in the midst of a catfight. Rather in bed. MWAHAHAHHAA.

Sarah glares at him as well, ready to throw one of her daggers at him.

Tsung coughs, "Uhm, no thanks. And I think you'd better stop this."

The redhead pouts, "But why?" he whines, "You never get any, and a good naked sweaty cat fight will help you cope with the loss of your manliness," he continues.

Rude shakes his head, deciding to not get involved.

"Reno," growls the Wutain man angrily. I on the other hand, am cracking up at the sight.

"Oh no you didn't!" shouts Sarah, throwing a dagger at Reno and barely missing.

"HEY! No killing my man!" I protest.

"Hey you guys, keep it down, I'm trying to watch tv," says Cloud.

We stare at him, cuz all this time he was watching tv, not disrupted by our shouts and the flying daggers. Is he just retarded or what?

"So where are we?" asks Vincent all of a sudden, scaring the crap out of the rest of us, becuz he was in a dark corner of the room and we forgot about him.

"Shit Valentine, don't do that!" shouts Reno.

"We're at Liz's house," responds Sarah, "And how, ask her."

I sigh. Of course it was up to me. "No idea. Holy Spirit?" I say.

"We did not take any drugs," says Sarah.

I nod, "Of course not. But we might as well make the best of this situation," I grin.

Reno glances at me nervously again. God, im not gonna jump you yet Red. I gotta wait till everyone's asleep.

"How are we gonna get home?" asks Cloud after a moment, seeing as the commercials just came on.

We both shrug.

A silence passes over us again. It's interrupted by a yelp from Reno, "HEY! Who the hell just grabbed my ass?!"

Now did he really have to ask? Sarah glares at me.

"How about Go-Fish?" says Tsung.

We all groan, "No more cards. I don't think my table can survive it," I say.

"What are we supposed to do then?" asks Reno.

I grin and step closer to him, until we're shoulder to shoulder, "Oh I have a few ideas."

Sarah glares at me disapprovingly, "Down girl."

I pout, "Aww. Ruin my fun."

"We could," starts Cloud.

"Oh shut up Cloud," we all say in unison. None of us want to hear it.

That was how my day went. And we still don't know how it happened, or why. But most of those guys were scarred. And Elena came back with a broken jaw, burnt hair, and makeup all over her face and clothes.

Reno broke Rude's sunglasses, so the baldy went home very angry.

But freaking them out was the most fun I'd had in years. Hope something like this happens again in the near future. When I told Sarah this, she just stared at me and replied,

"Just as long as Elena isn't here, and you don't molest anyone."

"I didn't molest anyone! Groped, yeah. But I never molested anyone," I protest.

"You sure did try," says Sarah.

I raise an eyebrow, "Who wouldn't? If Elena wasn't there, I'm sure you'd try and jump Tsung's bones."

I get smacked in the back of the head as a result. Sure blame me.

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Liz: Well that was fun.

Reno: No. It just wasn't.

Liz: oh you kno you had fun Red.

Sarah: Liz just let it go.

Liz: pouts fiiine. Who's gonna say it?

Vincent: You are an insane fangirl.

Liz:glares not that vamp boy!

Tsung: Plz read and review.

Liz: Thank you Tsung grins

Sarah: Hey! Back. Off.

Liz: You can have him. I have Red after all.

Reno: backs away slowly

Liz: RENO DON'T LEAVE!

Reno:starts to run

Sarah: RUN RENO RUN!

OOO. That was long. What Tsung said, read and review. Flames will be used 2 light Elena on fire. Laters

HotIceRed


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